cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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