I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I believe in your delicious
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
And then he peed in my hair
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