the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
