Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
