The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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