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if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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