Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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