Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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