i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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