Your dad touched me again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize