I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
well most of my day revolves around power hour
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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