Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
me + whiskey = a bad person
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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