so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
