nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
