so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
