I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
