From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
