I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You took a bar mat shot.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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