FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
