just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
