guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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