They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I stole a fireplace last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Randomize
