I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
