Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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