TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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