Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
