Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
