I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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