How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
