I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there's paper in my vomit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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