FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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