The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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