All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
