how can u be prego again
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
