Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
