Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize