bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
