I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
