I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
the raccoons are back...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
