You just made me feel so damn special
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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