Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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