Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
