I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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