I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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