woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
where are you?
Hypothermia
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
