We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
