She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
