I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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