New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
