My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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