I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
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