I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
