Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
