weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
