Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
