dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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