My underwear smells like fireworks.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize