I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize