The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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