I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
