Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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