someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
