That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize