Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
